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Wild News

Wild News: Struggling Burglars Flee Idaho for CA Safe Spaces

Juan Nabee, a self-admitted struggling burglar in Boise, ID says he’s relocating back to California this summer.  “Idaho’s latest gun law changes” (House Bill 206)  “that allow basically everyone over 18 to carry a concealed gun was the final straw.” said Nabee.  “I can never know when someone’s going to shoot me in Idaho since anyone can have a hidden gun on them. They have the advantage here and it’s not really fair.”

“Nobody carries a gun in California except for people in my profession and a few police officers, who are easy to avoid.”

Nabee, who has a long and consistent wrap sheet for violent and non-violent crimes dating back to 1996, said his associates in the crime industry, who are also fleeing from Idaho to California seeking more opportunity, safer working conditions, less risk, and support from lawmakers.  “Nobody carries a gun in California except for people in my profession and a few police officers who are easy to avoid. I don’t mind dealing with some human poop on the sidewalks as long as I can feel safe while I’m looting,” he said as he named his likely destination as the Bay Area.

“Crimes that are felonies in Idaho are just misdemeanors in California. I feel like Gavin and Nancy have my back.”

Nabee’s cohort, Steel Samore, is also choosing California because it is more supportive of his industry.  “Crimes that are felonies in Idaho are just misdemeanors in California. I feel like Gavin and Nancy have my back.  They won’t put me in jail for stealing or dealing because there’s no room! Also, it’s easy to boost my income by getting my family on their welfare system. Free food and medical care. Maybe that’s why they call it ‘The Golden State,’” he said. “It’s a land of opportunity for people like me.”

Idaho Wild reached out to Idaho’s toughest prison warden, Law Kemup, for a comment, but Kemup was unavailable due to being on an extended golf vacation.

Wild News is meant as a satire web publication series, which may or may not use real names, often in semi-possible, wildly impossibly, or mostly fictitious ways. All articles contained within Wild News are, as far as we know, fiction, and presumably fake news but is that really such a stretch?
Other side effects of reading Wild News may include uncontrollable laughter, agreement to the absurdity of the scenario, resemblance to the truth which is purely coincidental, and a strong desire to move to Idaho.

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